The SEC Wife 10 Commandments.....

The SEC Wife’s 10 Commandments….

1. From the end of bowl season until end of August, each weekend will be spent away from the TV doing activities that you hate, like going to museums and taking me shopping. If I have to put up with Neanderthal behavior for the duration of football season, you’re at least going to buy me pretty stuff to make up for it. For every weekend that we do not do an activity of my choice, I will delete one quarter of football from the DVR.

2. I don’t mind fetching snacks or beer for you during the game….. but you better remain sober enough to, ahem, take care of business afterward with full functionality, or next week’s alcohol intake will be reduced considerably.

3. During the Academy Awards season, take me to see all nominated movies and learn the names of the actors and actresses so you know who played which parts and understand why I want my selections to win.

4. During the games, you will be drunk as Cooter Brown. This does not mean that you can be rude, call me names, cuss at me, or grab various body parts while making disgusting noises. If that happens, I will stop making you snacks and bringing you beer, and eventually will stop paying the cable bill out of protest.

5. If your friends are coming over to act like hooligans, raid my fridge for beer and food, and participate in yelling at my TV, then it would be a good idea for you to provide me with wheelbarrows full of money for my personal use. This is really the only way to distract me and keep me from reaching desperate measures to deter you from inviting your friends over- like flirting shamelessly with them and bending over a lot in front of them, and maybe even asking you embarrassing questions during commercial breaks like “honey, have you remembered to apply your Preparation H today?”

6. during my post football season shopping sprees, if you see me upset because my favorite lipstick has been discontinued, or because my perfect dress doesn’t come in my size, DO NOT say “get over it, you’ll find another color” or “that dress was hideous anyway.” These things will only make me want to beat you slap to death with one of my new shoes. And then of course you’d just have to buy me more shoes. That means less money for beer!

7. If I find the perfect outfit while out shopping with you, chances are I will cry and wish that my best girlfriend were there shopping with me instead to share in my glee. This will only make me sad, at which time you should suggest giving BOTH me and my best friend wheelbarrows of money to come on my next shopping spree with. But, you will still be required to attend and shower me with compliments on my appearance and the minimal size of my butt- and you must fully appreciate the words “bogo” and Sample Sale”

8. Tell your friends to not get married, have babies, or any other family related activities. Mostly because I want to save their girlfriends from the football hell that I live in currently.

9. When my family comes over for dinner, you must sit quietly and act sympathetic during the rants and raves of my mother about all of her recent ailments. You will not divulge your irrational football behaviors to them. You will tuck your shirt in.  And maybe at the end of the night you can watch old football games that you’ve saved on DVR.

10. you will tell ALL of your friends how you have the best girl ever for putting up with your sorry ass for the duration of football season, as she is nothing short of saintlike for it, and is much sexier than any SEC cheerleader living or dead.

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