Ah, Florida autumn.  A beast similar to summer in the north, but without the panicked “try and enjoy every moment you can because winter is like a month away at any given time” energy.  Whereas in the north, we have to wait all year for two or three months of beach season, you here in the south spend the first week of “cold weather “(low 70’s in the day, high 50’s at night; brrrr) worriedly searching your closets for those sweaters and scarves while wondering if the “HEAT” on your thermostat will blow up the house if turned on.  Then, you get winter (i.e. below 70 in the day) for almost a week and you start climbing back up the mercury again, ready for that nine month beach party that so many snowbirds move here for.

The weather, both here in the south and in the frozen tundra of anything north of the Mason-Dixon, is a factor in almost every part of life.  Southerners enjoy a few months of the annual “will we die or won’t we?” game that always accompanies hurricane season (which came and went with nary a gust this year), while those lucky enough to live in the north spend several months wondering how much snow is actually required to break through a roof (trust me, it happens).

And make no mistake, this weather doesn’t just affect daily life, but thoroughly influences tailgating trends for the weekend college warrior.  What follows here, is a simple guide to northern vs southern tailgating, a short piece meant to ready you should you ever have to travel from the Sunshine State (I always felt Humidity State would have been better, maybe even the Shower Three Times a Day So As Not To Feel Constantly Sweaty State) to those cold and unforgiving states up north.  Oh, and bring more than a sweater and scarf, because those gusts that come down from Canada will go right through them like they’re paper.

Actually, the clothing is one of the first things you notice here.  For you fine Floridians, the morning tailgate in November can be a wardrobe heavy event, with layers disappearing as noon approaches, until that sweater and jeans you felt essential to staving off Jack Frost (again, this usually means temps in the high 50’s) is now the bane of your day as you hike back to the car every hour to drop another layer off.  God forbid that sun starts running hot that day, as your jeans become waist high sweat socks and that Tebow jersey begins to feel like it’s cooking your torso more than that giant, custom smoker is your BBQ. 

Those northerners, well their morning starts somewhere in the 40’s, maybe even 30’s this time of year, and a brisk, clawing wind makes even the proudest fan wait until kickoff to remove their shirts and paint their chests.  You spend most of the day huddled around the grill, not dreading opening the beast to check the meat, for us northerners like use our fires to make sure our fingers and toes aren’t gone, but just momentarily numb.  Gloves, knit hats, three to four layers (and that’s after you strip away the morning layers), and fleece, lots of fleece (if you are southern kid, you probably don’t know what that is, but trust me, it is a god send up north); that’s the wardrobe of choice, enough to increase your weight at least 30 lbs.

Oh, and for you men out there who love to see Florida girls running around in tight, half jerseys and short short shorts, stay here.  Most of the ladies, hot or not, have the same shape at tailgates up north around now, with clothes that trade curves and sexiness for lumpy warmth.  However, they all want to cuddle, as body heat still remains the number one way to melt a tailgater’s heart…and hands and feet.

The food is just a bit heavier up north, with chili and deep fried anything leading the charge on most days.  Sure, you’ll see the same smoker and trailer grill set ups you find so often down here, but, as with everything, heat is the order of the day in the north.  Grills are kept closed here to keep from sending the fans into heat stroke, while the north tends to keep the grills closed so that the meat will increase in temperature, rather than start to cool again.  You get groups of strangers gathered around grills (or flaming trash cans) with only their respective teams and cold weather as commonalities, and yet every one of them is packed shoulder to shoulder without even a hint of personal space to be found.

Trust me, the more body heat the better.  It’s like creating a damn of humanity around a grill, keeping all that hot air from leaking out.

Oh, and then there’s booze.

You southern gentlemen have it roughest here.  To me, the most important item in a Floridian’s tailgating inventory list is…ICE.  Can you even imagine getting through a day outside the Swamp without a cooler full of ice to keep the beer cold, as well as bags of ice for the occasional (or more) Bourbon Meyer or _________(insert your mixed drink of choice here).  Without coolers packed with ice, the ribs and carnage we bring to cook would be brown before it hit the grill.  That’s one of the few times it pays to tailgate up north; cold and snow are in plentiful supply.  Most northern tailgaters know that a good snow bank will chill a six pack, vodka bottle, or even a keg better than most people down here can with ice.  Sure, you get the occasional beer flavored Slurpee, but body heat (a northy’s best friend) will thaw just about anything if you hold it long enough (and Slurpee’s are tasty anytime).  Ice? Sure, you’ll need a few cubes here and there, but the 3-6 bags most people buy to tailgate here are just unnecessary up north.  The down side, though, is that food can’t be taken off heat until it’s ready to eat, as the north is not equipped with a heat lamp beating down on food and people alike all day (northern sun has no warmth between October and March, it’s a scientific fact).

The drink choices, not the strength, are the real difference when it comes to alcoholic beverages.  As Florida is just a hop, skip, and a jump away from the Caribbean, drinks here tend towards the sweet and citrusy.  An ice cold beer isn’t an abnormality in either compass point (we are still talking about men here), but the mixed drinks here are just that; mixes.

You’ll get Jim Beam and Sweet Tea, or Captain Morgan poured with some Blue Mountain Dew, all the while swimming with ice to the brim of the cup.  Not only do southerners like to get hammered, but they want to stay cooled off while doing it, but you’ve got just the opposite once again when you travel towards the northern border.  A northerner wants to drink liquid fire, something that will slow burn from the mouth down the throat to the stomach, where vats of molten liquor keep the fire burning in the furnace we call a belly.  No mixes, no ice, just Crown Royal straight down the gullet from a silver flask that freezes to your fingers by hour two.  Who needs a sweet island drink when you can down a swig of warming Jagermeister from a strange bottle that someone has randomly put in to your hands?  Alcohol is like stamping your feet in the cold, it send the blood rushing in warm spurts, sometimes even giving you the little sweat that freezes in to icicles before you can wipe it.

Oh, and when you’re really drunk, you southern kids can’t go write your name in the snow, so the north has that going for them as well.

Overall, the party is still the same, though.  I know that you hear all about how the South really knows how to tailgate, how the colleges down here are behind their team more, how it’s a lifestyle here and not just about rooting for the home team, but that’s all a bunch of crap.  Yeah, you’ll get more people showing up for games here, sometimes days early in an RV that parks on Wednesday and parties until Sunday, but the cold unforgiving north just doesn’t  make that as easy as the Florida weather does.  If you can make it from 6:00am to a noon kickoff outdoors in the late fall or winter of the north, you’re just as die hard as the UF fan that parties Friday night through the weekend.  We’re not given the warmth and welcome the south extends to its tailgaters, we have to fight the elements to tailgate for our boys, and do you think it gets warmer when you go inside the stadium.  Say all you want about having the larger stadiums down here, you’ve never had to brush snow off the icy metal bench you’re about to put your ass on for the next 2-3 hours.

So, next time you kids down here start talking about the northern tailgates being inferior, or the fans not being as rabid, just remember how easy you have it down here.  Hey, if I could wear shorts and a sandals to a November game back home in Buffalo, maybe I wouldn’t have spent so many of those games under a blanket in my living room with a fire lit and my gas bill skyrocketing as I try to keep the heat around 65. 

Joshua Bauer is a Columnist for GatorTailgating.com